


Reckless Fools and Bickering Idiots

by waddiwasiwitch



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Bickering, Black Hayate is a hero, Ed Swears, Ed pretends to be Roy and Riza's son, Fake Marriage, Gen, Hurt Ed, Missions Gone Wrong, Parental Riza Hawkeye, Parental Roy Mustang, Roy and Riza pretend to be married, Roy is a hypocrite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:37:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24610147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waddiwasiwitch/pseuds/waddiwasiwitch
Summary: Mustang and Edward have been selected to go on a mission to intercept an alchemist who is currently on the run with her niece who she kidnapped. Mustang has decided that they will go undercover as father and son with Hawkeye playing the mom. Expect much bickering and exasperated Hawkeye. (Parental Roy and Riza of course.)
Relationships: Edward Elric & Riza Hawkeye, Edward Elric & Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
Comments: 24
Kudos: 160





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ask from animal and anime on Tumblr  
> Hey, I was wondering if I could get some angsty Ed and parental Royia fanfiction. I love your work by the way. Your characterizations are really good.
> 
> I am so sorry this ask took so long to be answered. The truth is I had a lot of this written but the ending sucked. So, I have actually made this into three parts because this ended up longer than planned.

**Chapter One**

This was not the Friday evening Mustang had in mind. The last thing he wanted to do was spend it coaxing a reluctant and impulsive teenager into an unplanned mission. Hawkeye and Havoc were already waiting for orders but the news was only given to Fullmetal when he dropped into the office to hand in his long-overdue report. He would feel guilty about that except the kid had been due to hand in his report over a week ago and had ignored his many phone calls leaving his poor brother to lie badly on his behalf.

Fullmetal crossed his arms, his eyes narrowed and chin in the air. “Why should I have to come, Bastard?”

Hawkeye let out a soft sigh.

Mustang curled his fists. “That’s sir to you.”

“Fine - why should I have to come, Sir Colonel Bastard?”

Havoc’s snort turned into a cough when Mustang glared at him. Fullmetal smirked and Mustang could feel a vein popping in his forehead. A tension headache was building but he wasn’t about to give Fullmetal the satisfaction of seeing him rub his temple. That kid knew just how to push his buttons. 

“Because it’s an order and I said so,” Mustang spoke slowly and deliberately, making it plain to the kid that he wasn’t joking. He let out a sigh. “This isn’t my idea of a fun Friday night either, Fullmetal. It came by order of the Fuhrer, so you’re just going to have to be a good little boy for once.”

“DON’T CALL ME-”

“We don’t have time for this!” Hawkeye’s sharp words silenced them both “Edward, the sooner you comply, the sooner you can get back to Alphonse.” She dropped her voice, “Colonel, you’re supposed to be the adult here, quit antagonising him.”

The little shit just smirked. Mustang wouldn’t mind but he actually didn’t set out to antagonize him. The last slip up was entirely unintentional but he wasn’t going to admit to that.

“I’ll behave if he’ll behave,” Fullmetal muttered.

Mustang stared down his most temperamental subordinate. “Hawkeye and I will be posing as a married couple. Fullmetal, if anyone asks you’re our kid.”

“I don’t want to pretend to be your kid,” Fullmetal whined. “Besides, nobody would believe it. It would be much more realistic for it to be Havoc. I mean Hawkeye and Havoc could pass for my parents.”

Havoc shook his head. “Naw, Chief, I am much too youthful to be your dad.” He turned to Mustang and tilted his head. “Hey Pops, can I be your kid too?”

The Colonel ran a hand across his face. ”Do I get any respect in this office?”

“Anyone care to ask the mother of the children?” Hawkeye put in drily. 

Mustang chuckled. “Sorry, darling.” She rolled her eyes but not before he caught her blush. It was probably the one bright spot of the mission. “Now, the four of us are going to meet here at 06:00. It will take approximately two hours to get there by car. There is no train station in the village. As discussed, we will drop you on the way, Havoc.” He looked at his three subordinates. “You’re dismissed.”

  
  
  


Mustang took out his pocket watch. It was 06:05 and Fullmetal was late. Hawkeye poured a cup of coffee and handed it to him. 

“He’s just a little late, sir. Stop wearing a hole in the carpet.”

“Don’t make excuses for him Hawkeye.”

“I’m not, sir, but I know what you’re like in the morning without your coffee.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Cranky and overdramatic.”

Despite her insubordination, he chuckled. “You always know how to put me in my place.”

The door opened and both their heads turned to see the blond entering, although they were disappointed to see it was the older blond, Havoc.

“I have the sandwiches and the flasks, sir.” He looked around. “Still no sign of the Chief?”

“Look a little harder, he’s small.”

“Really, sir,” Hawkeye said, a little bite in her voice. 

The door flew open and Fullmetal walked in, boots first. 

Mustang winced. “Do you have to kick the door open every time, Fullmetal?”

The brat just shrugged, his most angelic expression not winning any muster with his superior. 

Mustang snorted. “I guess I need to give you a little leeway.” He smirked at the teen’s furious expression. “I guess you can’t reach the door handle, huh?”

Fullmetal made a dart for him but Havoc caught him under the arms. The teen’s arms and legs were still going. Smirking, Mustang turned to go to the inner office and came face to face with a stoney-faced Hawkeye. She stepped out of his way but he knew she would follow him to give him a piece of her mind. If there was one thing about his Lieutenant, she was professional to a fault.

Her arms tightened around the folders she was holding to her chest. “Really, sir. He is a child. What excuse do you have?”

“I’m his superior. And if he deigns to behave like a child then I will remind him of it.” She stared him down. “Alright, I’ll behave. I know how important this mission is.”

She rolled her eyes. “It’s a good job I don’t have any actual children. I have enough on my plate.”

He smiled tenderly. “You’d make a great mother, you know.”

He drank in the blush on her face and the little upward tilt of her lips. She was so beautiful, and it was a shame she had shackled herself to him. She deserved the option to marry and have children. 

“You’ll make a good Fuhrer provided you have me to babysit you,” she said. 

She turned on her heel before he could say anything in response. Riza Hawkeye was truly an amazing woman. 

Mustang returned to the outer office. Havoc had let go of Fullmetal but he was squabbling with him now. He caught his lieutenant’s eye as if to say, “See it’s not just me.” 

Hawkeye’s patience was wearing thin; Her left eye twitched. “Now, will you three get to the damn car?”

“I’m supposed to the boss,” Mustang muttered.

Havoc shrugged. “Sorry, Boss, I guess we’re more afraid of Hawkeye.”

To be continued...


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mustang and Fullmetal just can't resist winding each other up. But they have a very dangerous woman to catch.

**Chapter Two**

The car journey was long but Fullmetal slept through most of it giving the three adults much needed peace and quiet. They dropped Havoc in the next town over where he was to meet his cousin, who would bring him to the village later in the day. His cousin owned the local inn and had been the one to phone in the sighting of a rogue alchemist in the local area. 

While Havoc would be their eyes and ears in the village proper, Fullmetal, Hawkeye, and Mustang would stay in a little cabin in the outskirts of a village. It overlooked a lake surrounded by trees on three sides. If the alchemist was hiding out, it was likely in one of the uninhabited cabins within the woods. 

”It’s beautiful here.” Hawkeye got out of the car. 

It was the ideal place for a breakaway. It was a pity, Mustang thought that they weren’t here under more pleasant circumstances. Hayate walked around sniffing the tires of the car. Fullmetal was still asleep in the back seat.

”I’ll wake him, sir, if you can just take in some of the luggage. And please try not to antagonise him.”

”Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled, opening the car boot. ”As long as he doesn’t start it.”

”I heard that bastard,” Fullmetal muttered sleepily.

”I’m not the one napping in the car.”

Fullmetal glared at him. ”Says the man who falls asleep in his office.”

The kid had a point but he wasn’t going to admit it. It didn’t happen often but it happened more often than it should. The downside of nightmares and insomnia. 

Hawkeye sighed. ”Seriously, can’t even last one minute.”

”I think it’s good,” Mustang took out all of the luggage. ”It makes us more like family. A father and his son bickering.”

”Shut up,” Fullmetal said through gritted teeth. 

”You forgot, Dad,” Mustang continued cheerily. ”'Shut up, Dad,' gives it more integrity.”

”Sir, the luggage,” Hawkeye repeated. 

Mustang picked up his and Hawkeye’s suitcases. ”C’mon, darling, there’s no need to be so informal in our own home.”

Fullmetal snickered despite her stony expression. 

”You both have to practice,” Mustang continued, ”we’re going into the town this evening as a family to do some reconnaissance. So please pretend you’re enjoying yourselves.”

”Maybe I would prefer to be a moody teenager who hates his father?”

  
  
  


The cabin consisted of three bedrooms, a kitchen, a bathroom and a living area. It was cosy but it was more than adequate for their needs. At least, he didn’t have to share a room with Fullmetal. Once they had sorted out their luggage, Roy set about making some coffee. He thought he would go over the files to refresh his memory and go for a walk to figure out the lay of the land. 

”Sir, I’ve set up the radio,” Hawkeye said.

”Thanks, Lieutenant. I’ve made some coffee if you want some. I thought I could debrief Fullmetal and then the three of us could go through the file and then take a walk around the village. Get the lay of the land and such.”

She nodded. ”Yes, sir. I’ll just fetch Edward.”

”No need.” Fullmetal stomped into the room. He must have smelt the coffee. ”I’m starving. Any food?”

”I brought some pastries and some sandwiches. Did you bring in the picnic basket, sir?”

Mustang shook his head. ”I can’t say I saw it, Lieutenant.”

Hawkeye smirked. ”I hid it under some blankets in case somebody got hungry.”

Mustang and Hawkeye both glanced at Fullmetal. 

”Hey. Why is everyone looking at me?” He narrowed his eyes at them. ”What? I’m still growing, ok?”

”Why don’t you go fetch it, Edward?” Hawkeye asked. ”The boot is still unlocked.”

The kid grunted and disappeared outside. 

”Fetching like a good dog of the military,” Mustang said in a low voice.

Hawkeye rolled her eyes. ”Honestly, sir, I don’t know which one of you is more of a child.” 

  
  
  


After the food was finished, Mustang took out the files and spread them out on the table. 

”I didn’t get the chance to fill you in earlier, Fullmetal.” He pointed to a picture of a young woman with long black hair. ”This is our alchemist. Her name is Liz Becker. She was never given state sponsorship after failing her mental health evaluation.” In Mustang’s mind, that meant she really must be a loose cannon because quite honestly they weren’t too picky. Kimblee had been insane and he was sent to the front. And Mustang had barely passed his own evaluation after Ishval. But they were too powerful to lose, he guessed. 

”So, what sort of alchemist is she then? Does she like blowing things up?”.

”She specialised in medical alchemy when she made her application and failed. Recently, however, she was suspected of trying to make chimeras.”

Fullmetal scowled. ”Chimeras.”

Mustang knew what the kid was thinking. 

”That’s when the military started watching her, but there was no hard evidence until after she went on the run.” Mustang sighed. ”After killing her husband, she abducted her niece and nephew who had been staying with them.” 

”The remains of a dead chimera was found in the basement,” Hawkeye added. ”Based on her notes, it hadn’t been successful.” 

Fullmetal slammed his hand down on the table. ”What age are the kids?”

”The girl is thirteen and the boy is eleven,” Mustang said quietly. ”There was a confrontation with the military police about a week ago and the boy escaped in the confusion. He was unharmed but he had a lot of sedatives in his system. We’ve no reason to believe that she will harm the girl. She may just be holding onto her as insurance until she can get across the border. But-”

”But we can’t take any chances,” Fullmetal finished.

  
  
  


Several hours later, Mustang and Hawkeye were still combing through the files when Edward announced he was going on ahead into the village. 

”It might make more sense to split up,” Fullmetal said. ”People might be more likely to talk to me if I’m on my own. I can meet you both at the inn.”

”Only if you take Black Hayate with you,” Mustang said.

”Why?”

”Because I said so, son.”

You’re really fucking enjoying this, aren’t you?”

Mustang just smirked. ”Just a little. But seriously, Fullmetal, be careful and don’t do anything impulsive like try to take her down without backup. We suspect she may be carrying explosives or at very least a gun.”

Hawkeye nodded. ”She used some form of explosive when the boy escaped.”

”So, remember get us before doing anything stupid.”

Fullmetal rolled his eyes. ”I am able to go five seconds without getting into trouble. C’mon Hayate.” 

He slammed the door behind him as he left. Mustang chuckled. ”He really has a thing for hyperbole, doesn’t he? At least, Hayate will come to fetch us if Ed decides to do something reckless.” 

_ To be continued... _


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawkeye and Mustang head to the village but where is Fullmetal?

**Chapter Three**

Mustang and Hawkeye left the cabin and walked towards the village. They walked in companionable silence, but ready to reach for their weapons. Large trees loomed over the roadway with woods at either side. If they solved this case, he might be able to convince her to go for a walk through them. It would be like old times when they used to explore near Hawkeye manor. He was such a city boy but he loved the woods. He was always climbing trees as a boy and getting told off by his aunt for tearing his clothes. He even broke his wrist once and earned a severe scolding. 

As they reached the village, Mustang turned to Hawkeye. ”Are you ready, darling?”

”I still can’t believe I married you.”

He chuckled and she offered him her hand. It wasn’t really necessary but if he had the excuse to hold her hand he wasn’t going to pass it up. Especially as it was her idea and not his.

A loud bark startled them both and Hayate came bounding out of the trees to the right. 

”Fuck!” Mustang dropped her hand and reached into his pocket for his gloves, ”Fullmetal has found trouble as usual. Can’t go five seconds.”

Hawkeye already had her gun in her hand. The pair followed Hayate. The ground was uneven and they ran trying not to trip over tree roots. 

BANG!

Chills went down his spine and his heart pounded in his chest. That reckless kid better not get himself hurt. 

A voice cried out, ”Help! HELP!” 

”That’s not Edward,” Hawkeye said.

A young girl burst out from the trees, tears streaming down her dirty face. Her eyes widened in fear when she saw them. 

He held out his palms. ”It’s alright, we’re from the military. You’re safe.”

Hawkeye nodded and approached her slowly. ”You’re ok.”

”Have you seen a kid?” Roy asked. ”Short with an automail arm.” 

”Yes. The boy tried to save me and he got hurt!”

The two officers looked at one another. 

”Edward,” Mustang breathed. ”Can you show us, kid? We’ll make sure to keep you safe.”

She nodded and pointed back the way she came. He didn’t hesitate and ran through the trees, Hawkeye, Hayate, and the girl hot on his heels. It didn’t take long to find him. There was a crumpled figure up ahead in a clearing. It was obvious there had been a struggle. Part of the tree had been felled. He could smell the sulphur and smoke. Some sort of explosive was used here. He clenched his fists.

”Fullmetal!” There was no response from the prone boy.

Mustang’s steps felt like concrete. It took forever to reach his subordinate. He was relieved to see his chest rise and fall. He fell to his knees by the kid and looked him over to determine any injuries. He was out cold. There was a large cut on his temple and it was bleeding profusely into his hair and down his facet.

”How is he, sir?” Hawkeye asked.

”He doesn’t appear to be too badly injured but I am concerned about the cut to his head. It doesn't look to be too severe but he’s bleeding a lot.” Mustang slapped Fullmetal’s cheek. ”C’mon, wake up.” A whine came from the boy’s chapped lips. ”It’s ok, kid. You’re gonna be alright.” He took off his jacket and pressed it against the wound on the kid’s head. ”I’d rather he wasn’t unconscious. He’s likely concussed.”

“What are we going to do, sir?” Hawkeye’s voice was filled with concern. ”Are you going to carry him back?”

Mustang brushed Fullmetal’s bangs away from his forehead. “As always. The best we can do, Lieutenant.” He looked up at his Lieutenant. She had one hand on the young girl’s shoulder and her gun in the other. 

”I would rather not carry him when he can’t staunch the wound himself,” he said. ”I can’t carry him, staunch the wound and protect him at the same time. Lieutenant, can you take the girl and fetch a medic?” 

”Havoc too? I think our presence has already been compromised.”

”Yes,” Mustang said stiffly. ”If she has any sense, she will have left the area though.” 

Hawkeye turned to the girl. ”Are you able to run?”

The teen nodded. ”Will the boy be alright? He was trying to save me. I told him it was a trap.”

Mustang caught Hawkeye’s gaze. If he got his hands on the alchemist, he’d make sure there would be hell to pay but right now the two teenagers were the priority.

”I am sure he will be fine,” Mustang said. ”In the meantime, I want you to tell the Lieutenant everything you can think of.”

With a nod, Hawkeye and the teen took off. Hayate had decided to stay. It would be handy to have an extra pair of eyes.

”Good boy, tell me if you see or hear anything at all.”

Hayate barked in response. Smiling slightly, he turned back to Fullmetal. Of course, the brat did exactly what he warned him not to do. He was going to have some explaining to do when he eventually woke up. 

Hayate walked around them sniffing the air, his ears cocked. 

”What is it, boy?”

He scanned the trees but all he could see was a bird flying away. He turned back to his subordinate when he heard a loud groan. 

Fullmetal opened his bleary eyes. ”Whut? Colonel? What happened?”

”You tell me, Fullmetal.”

Fullmetal blinked and tried to sit up. ”Of course, you’d be the one to find me.”

Mustang caught him by the arms. ”Woah, not such a good idea, take it easy. Slowly does it. You’re bleeding from a wound on your head. No only might you be lightheaded from blood loss but you could also be concussed.”

”I’m fine,” Fullmetal spat and sat up a little slower. He roughly pushed Roy’s hand away from the jacket. ”No need to coddle me. I can hold it myself.”

”I am simply looking out for my subordinate. I don’t coddle.”

Fullmetal rolled his eyes and winced. ”Tell me you got the bitch.” 

Mustang shook his head. ”You were our priority. You and the girl.” 

”For fucks sake Mustang. I’m fine.”

The Lieutenant has gone to get back up and take her to safety.” He didn’t bother saying anything about a medic because knowing Fullmetal he would throw another strop. ”She should be here soon and we can go find her. Now, tell me what you know.”

Fullmetal frowned, and Mustang wondered for a moment if the head injury might have affected his memory of the incident.

”I saw her and the kid,” Fullmetal explained. ”Recognised them immediately. I followed the girl. The woman seemed to be a bit ahead but when I found the girl she looked spooked. She said something about it being a trap and then something exploded.”

Roy nodded. ”Any idea what the girl meant by a trap?”

”I think the alchemist realised who I worked for.”

”Ah, the military,” Mustang said. 

Fullmetal snorted. ”You! I am sure she said Mustang as I passed out.”

”Why does everybody have a grudge against me?” 

”You’re kidding, right? You are always making enemies.”

Mustang glared at the kid but it was half-hearted. He took out his pocket watch. He was starting to get worried. Hawkeye was taking a long time to get back. He wondered if perhaps they had run into their alchemist. 

Hayate let out a little growl and instantly Roy was on his feet, his fingers ready to snap. He stood between where Hayate was growling at. Suddenly, Hayate stopped. 

”It’s just us, sir.” Hawkeye walked into view. There were two men accompanying her. One was a member of the military police and the other was holding a briefcase. Most likely the medic. Sure enough, the man knelt down by Fullmetal and started to examine him. 

”Debrief Lieutenant!”

Hawkeye saluted. ”We caught her, sir? The girl and I were leaving the woods but Havoc had caught sight of her before we arrived. He, his cousin, and four members of the military police managed to corner her. This time she didn’t have any kids to use as a shield, so she surrendered. She must have used her only explosives on disabling Edward.”

Mustang suddenly felt very useless. He and Fullmetal had been sent here due to their strength in alchemy because nobody was sure what other capabilities she had. Roy might specialise in flame alchemy but he had a good working knowledge of other alchemy.

”Well, I want to question her.”

”Of course, sir. She’s waiting for you.”

Hr frowned slightly and lowered his voice. ”To be honest, it seems a little too easy in the end.”

”Hardly, sir." Hawkeye smirked. "It might have been luck that they managed to corner her. If I didn’t turn up when I did, she would have escaped.”

A slow smile spread on his face. ”Ah, so you incapacitated her before she surrendered.”

”Indeed. She hadn’t noticed me at all.”

He smirked. ”Now, that makes a lot more sense.”

”Sorry, sir, did that hurt your pride?” Roy lifted an eyebrow at the barb. "Not getting to play the hero."

He narrowed his eyes and puffed out his chest. "Well, I was looking after Fullmetal, wasn't I?"

"Of course, sir."

He bit back a smile and turned to the doctor instead. ”Now, doctor, tell me how is Fullmetal?”

”I’m fine,” Edward whined. ”Get back to flirt-” Roy glared at him, ”-annoying Hawkeye and leave me alone.”

_ Fin _


End file.
